By Iris M. Archer, Executive Director

 

The answer to this is fairly simple. You should never have a pre-determined time that you say to an adopted child, ‘We need to have a talk,’ and then follow that directive with the news that they were adopted as an infant!

 

Actually the conversation about their adoption starts much earlier in life, as when you first bring them into your home. The word adoption should be used often enough in your child’s life, so that when he develops language skills, this is a word he has heard. I suggest that adoptive parents begin a Life Book for their child so that they can begin to familiarize their child with the events that God orchestrated in order to bring him into their life as their son. Pictures of the child’s events prior to adoption are definitely appropriate, if they are available. Pictures and/or letters of birth parents can be included or even a brief birth family history. This can often include joint pictures of birth parents and adoptive parents if there was a meeting. It should certainly include placement day events and a narrative of the child’s story. Completing this type of book signifies to an adopted child that adoption is a perfectly normal way for families to be created!   Adoptive families that do this often tell us that this is their child’s favorite book!

 

It is crucial for adoptive parents to fully embrace that God chose them as parents for their child but also accept their child’s biological heritage as important to their child’s understanding of who he is. Adoptive parents’ view and acceptance of adoption speaks volumes about their regard for their child’s biological heritage and their own comfort level about adoption. Just as we are His adopted children in a spiritual sense, it follows that God provides more than one heritage in this earthly life. He did this for Moses. He even did this for Jesus. As Christians, He did this for us as Believers and we should understand and accept this concept of adoption better than anyone else.

 

The word special is often over used by adoptive parents in assigning significance to the event of adoption. ‘You are special because God chose you to be our son or daughter.’ ‘You are special and chosen just for us.’ These are appropriate statements, but must be followed with an explanation. Good sound Biblical teaching about God’s intimate knowledge and plan for each of His children, adopted or raised in biological families, needs to be emphasized specifically for an adopted child. Avoid making the word special synonymous with different, which can happen if an explanation does not follow.

 

Children also deserve to know the truth about who they are in an age appropriate way. If they do not hear the truth about their adoption or their biological parents from their parents, they will fantasize about the events of their life. Just as in any other situation, adoptive parents should speak the truth in love. 

 

Another caution on this subject, adoptive parents are under no obligation to tell others the events of their child’s heritage or life prior to adoption. This is not public information and should be treated confidentially within the adoptive family. If someone remarks that an adoptive child looks or acts just like you as the parent, do not correct him or her, and say your child is adopted. Those that have ‘a need to know’ probably already do know your child is adopted! Comments about family similarities are compliments and not to be a time of show and tell about your child’s adoption.   As adoptive parents, it is certainly suitable to share personal events leading up to your journey of adoption and even the joy of adopting your child, but your child’s personal biological history is not to be shared with just anyone. Just because someone asks you questions does not mean an adoptive parent is under any obligation to answer! Developing discretion, wisdom and sensitivity is critical for adoptive parents.

 

Also keep in mind as an adoptive parent, that your children will process all this information according to their personality, environment and learning curve. Some children are innately curious and others apparently show no particular interest in their status as an adopted child. Because parents are in the position to know how their child thinks and reacts, it is important to keep the lines of communication open at every age level. Attentive listening followed by sensitive conversation skills in every parent-child relationship and particularly when discussing the key issues of his or her biological heritage. Cover this in prayer and love and what follows will bring wonderful intimacy within your family unit!

 

Key Scriptures for reference: Psalm 139:13-18, God’s knowledge and plan for each of us; Isaiah 40:10-31, God’s sovereignty; Ephesians 4:15, Speaking the truth in love; Ephesians 6:4, Parental control of anger and importance of discipline and instruction; Proverbs 22:6, Training of children; Matthew 18:1-5, Value and humility of children; James 1:19; Listening and speaking skills